Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My dick has a subreddit
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
