I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize