I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
