I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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