Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
