My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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