The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Everyone says I win the strip club
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
