my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
