Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize