Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
