have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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