Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
