oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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