Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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