THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
