if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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