omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
