I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
porn star boner night. come get it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
