Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
