i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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