Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
