Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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