Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize