she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
