The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
