pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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