Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
