dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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