Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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