so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
