I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
