Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
