Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I forget how to act sober
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
