direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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