my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just want nice things and good sex
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
