I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
