when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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