Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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