You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
