You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
