You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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