I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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