...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
