take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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