My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
