I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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