Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize