i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She even gives head with a lisp.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
