It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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