Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
