I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
