I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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