Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
