New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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