i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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