I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
