omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
His nipple licking is glorious
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