at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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