Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
